The New Me....

This time of year everyone is determined to drop 20 pounds, move up in their career or learn to speak French. I have thought long and hard about a New Years Resolution for me. For weeks it's been a blank....no, really, my mind has been blank as to this "new me goal".

Then just yesterday I realized what it is that I have to do. And surprise, surprise...it's got nothing to do with the NEW YEAR. This time, it's a resolution for me. Not for tradition or for the world to accept but something that I've been wanting to do for a long time. I strongly feel that now that I can put it into words, I can strive for my goal. A somewhat mild and simple goal, but easily attainable and success would mean that I would finally come to a place where I finally like ME.
My Goals:

I want to become a better mother. I succeed at what I am now because I try to do what is best for my children. I feel like sometimes I do what needs to get done without enjoying the simplicity in it. My children are first in my world. I need to make sure that they know the joy they bring me on a daily basis. I need to show them this!
Secondly, I would like to focus on my marriage. Let me start by saying that my relationship and marriage to Rick is all I have ever dreamed of...and more! He's there for me in a way that I could never have understood before. I have learned what LOVE is from Rick. Never have I thought that God would present me with someone who is as devoted, true and loving and allow me to keep this person so close for the rest of my days. This focus falls into my goals in a bit of a different way, that I will explain in a bit. The last part of my goal is an aspiration of self acceptance. I want to like myself for who I am, how I look and whom I surround myself with. I am tired of letting myself become the housewife who lives in PJ's and doesn't appreciate the person she is inside. I have no one to blame but myself that this has become commonplace for me. This in mind, I am the only one who can change it. If I set a personal goal and schedule, perhaps the things that I enjoy, that I have let fall by the way side, I can continue in and find the person I sometimes feel I left behind. I don't need to be younger to be myself. I just need to give myself time to be me. In taking a closer look at myself (inside and out), I want to focus on my physical and emotional health. No, I'm not a nut case, but just general time that people need to give themselves before they loose who they are. In doing this and becoming satisfied and happy with who I am, I feel that my marriage can only grow stronger. Thus, this resolution can help my relationship...a relationship that is already blessed grow stronger and closer still. Call me crazy, but by the end of 2009 (hopefully sooner) ~ I'm going to like ME.

Just think back....

That's right. Take a deep breath, close your eyes...No, wait, don't close your eyes, or the entire point of this exercise will be a loss...Close your ears to the world around you and once more, become a child.....

Think back...
Think back to your biggest nemesis at the dinner table. No, not your sibling who stole the last dinner roll, but the one dish that caused the bottom to fall out of your stomach the moment you found out it was for dinner, the one dish you hated most. For me, cooked spinach...

Now, fast forward a bit to your independence, do you ever purchase or cook said item? No, not at all. Not out of disdain or disgust, but simply because you have made a subconscious choice to not ever see it at the store, it just never crosses your mind.

That was the world that I blissfully lived in. Even with my husband enjoying my most hated dish (or MHD) I could politely refuse to eat it and prepare an additional vegetable for my dinner.

Last night however, this most horrible memory came flooding back to haunt me, like school pictures from the 80's.

Some of you know how sick I have been over the last week or so and have been very kind and sympathetic. (Thanks!) However the ER doctor was far less than sympathetic, actually he was a complete ass, but that's for a different blog at a different time... Said doctor did however, prescribe me three medications with the hopes of allowing me to sleep for the first time in three days, without the blood vessel bursting, coughing fits that I had been experiencing. One of the medications is a cough syrup that contains Codeine, a narcotic. Dr. explained that it would not only calm the cough but also allow me to sleep a bit, not knock me out, but calm my nerves. This medication: CHERATUSSIN.

Last night I arrived home with a few groceries and my medication. Took the steroids, antibiotics, breathing treatment and cough syrup. What seemed like a meek medication, the liquid suspension proved the most vile. A strong menthol with a poor attempt at cherry flavoring, this stuff could peel the paint off of cars. Now I know what you're thinking, HALLS. NOT A CHANCE IN HELL! I hate HALLS with all of my being, but this stuff FAR surpasses the insanity of that tiny square.

Anyway~ Around 10:30 I was due for another dose before turning in for the night, or four hours...back to the poison...Just the thought of it ripped me through the very fabric of time to the dinner table and the sloppy pile of green on my plate. Growing colder by the second, and far nastier than it had originally been. Choking down one teaspoon full made me physically sick.

From here I can shorten the story a bit (I've already rambled on far too much), but the medication didn't work....not until paired once again with a breathing treatment from the nebulizer machine at about 12:30. Four hours of sleeping upright, (did I mention that I can't even lay down?) the coughing fits returned and I woke to pack Ricks lunch, re-dope (and subsequently become ill from the lovely 'Tussin)*side note, do not try to shove the medication spoon further back into your throat with the hopes of bypassing the taste buds on this one guys, the medication hitting your stomach in this fashion still causes severe retching, you just haven't given your stomach adequate warning.* I was able to partially delete the gagging flavors by chasing it with apple juice and a wonderful bowl of Simple Harvest Maple Brown Sugar with Pecan. (For all of you whose MHD was oatmeal as a child, try it. See if you can find a free sample online and give it a whirl. It comes in three flavors and it's not your mommas oatmeal! It's good!)

Next Blog: ER doctors that suck. (I've only met one).