I don't know what I've done in life to find myself down this road. I have done my best at making choices in friends and associates. Kept my distance when I felt out of place. I have even forgiven the mistakes of those whom hurt me the worst, even when I knew I shouldn't.
I find now, that I am learning what a true friend is. And that I don't have many. I try my hardest to be supportive, honest and a shoulder. I am in no way perfect, but I try...and once again it has gotten me hurt. Only this time, 20 years hangs in the balance. Some things are minor and petty~ I'll be the first to admit, to some, this is simply that. But when you have been there for EVERYTHING, forgiven EVERYTHING, NEVER ONCE be hateful or hurtful to someone...then just be replaced. Pushed aside...it's devastating. I had someone ask me a very honorable question on Friday...I said yes. I was honored...then today with no warning...thrown under the bus like an old gum wrapper.
At what point do we cut our losses and say goodbye? I don't know, I can't answer that, as you can see, I'm not good at doing that. I continue to stick around only to be abused again, and again. I told my husband tonight, "Sometimes it would be easier if I didn't love so much, if I didn't need my friends...but I do." I hate hurting like this. I haven't cried like this in a long time, and it sucks.
I guess 20 years of dedication means nothing anymore....
3 comments:
I have felt this kind of pain often, my love.
It is gut-wrenching. And I've asked myself the same question: "Why do I have to love so much?"
and the answer I always get back from a little voice from somewhere has always been, "because someone needs to make up for all of the lack of love in the world. Someone needs to be sending it out."
I'd rather love too much and get hurt, than not have any love/trust/loyalty to give.
But it doesn't mean it's any easier.
I may have a lot of acquaintences...but I only have about 2 honest-to-goodness, genuine friends whom I would trust with ALMOST anything. In the end, it's about the love you are able to give yourself, and your family, that will keep you the warmest.
no matter what you're thinking or feeling, i truly consider you one of the greatest friends anyone could ever have and am blessed to count you as one of my own. love you.
What's important is you ARE a good friend. Your kids know it, Rick knows it, hell even I know it and I barely talk to you. You've always been awesome even since school. I know it hurts, but without you setting the standard for REAL FRIENDS we wouldnt be able to recognize the losers.
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