The New Me....

This time of year everyone is determined to drop 20 pounds, move up in their career or learn to speak French. I have thought long and hard about a New Years Resolution for me. For weeks it's been a blank....no, really, my mind has been blank as to this "new me goal".

Then just yesterday I realized what it is that I have to do. And surprise, surprise...it's got nothing to do with the NEW YEAR. This time, it's a resolution for me. Not for tradition or for the world to accept but something that I've been wanting to do for a long time. I strongly feel that now that I can put it into words, I can strive for my goal. A somewhat mild and simple goal, but easily attainable and success would mean that I would finally come to a place where I finally like ME.
My Goals:

I want to become a better mother. I succeed at what I am now because I try to do what is best for my children. I feel like sometimes I do what needs to get done without enjoying the simplicity in it. My children are first in my world. I need to make sure that they know the joy they bring me on a daily basis. I need to show them this!
Secondly, I would like to focus on my marriage. Let me start by saying that my relationship and marriage to Rick is all I have ever dreamed of...and more! He's there for me in a way that I could never have understood before. I have learned what LOVE is from Rick. Never have I thought that God would present me with someone who is as devoted, true and loving and allow me to keep this person so close for the rest of my days. This focus falls into my goals in a bit of a different way, that I will explain in a bit. The last part of my goal is an aspiration of self acceptance. I want to like myself for who I am, how I look and whom I surround myself with. I am tired of letting myself become the housewife who lives in PJ's and doesn't appreciate the person she is inside. I have no one to blame but myself that this has become commonplace for me. This in mind, I am the only one who can change it. If I set a personal goal and schedule, perhaps the things that I enjoy, that I have let fall by the way side, I can continue in and find the person I sometimes feel I left behind. I don't need to be younger to be myself. I just need to give myself time to be me. In taking a closer look at myself (inside and out), I want to focus on my physical and emotional health. No, I'm not a nut case, but just general time that people need to give themselves before they loose who they are. In doing this and becoming satisfied and happy with who I am, I feel that my marriage can only grow stronger. Thus, this resolution can help my relationship...a relationship that is already blessed grow stronger and closer still. Call me crazy, but by the end of 2009 (hopefully sooner) ~ I'm going to like ME.

Just think back....

That's right. Take a deep breath, close your eyes...No, wait, don't close your eyes, or the entire point of this exercise will be a loss...Close your ears to the world around you and once more, become a child.....

Think back...
Think back to your biggest nemesis at the dinner table. No, not your sibling who stole the last dinner roll, but the one dish that caused the bottom to fall out of your stomach the moment you found out it was for dinner, the one dish you hated most. For me, cooked spinach...

Now, fast forward a bit to your independence, do you ever purchase or cook said item? No, not at all. Not out of disdain or disgust, but simply because you have made a subconscious choice to not ever see it at the store, it just never crosses your mind.

That was the world that I blissfully lived in. Even with my husband enjoying my most hated dish (or MHD) I could politely refuse to eat it and prepare an additional vegetable for my dinner.

Last night however, this most horrible memory came flooding back to haunt me, like school pictures from the 80's.

Some of you know how sick I have been over the last week or so and have been very kind and sympathetic. (Thanks!) However the ER doctor was far less than sympathetic, actually he was a complete ass, but that's for a different blog at a different time... Said doctor did however, prescribe me three medications with the hopes of allowing me to sleep for the first time in three days, without the blood vessel bursting, coughing fits that I had been experiencing. One of the medications is a cough syrup that contains Codeine, a narcotic. Dr. explained that it would not only calm the cough but also allow me to sleep a bit, not knock me out, but calm my nerves. This medication: CHERATUSSIN.

Last night I arrived home with a few groceries and my medication. Took the steroids, antibiotics, breathing treatment and cough syrup. What seemed like a meek medication, the liquid suspension proved the most vile. A strong menthol with a poor attempt at cherry flavoring, this stuff could peel the paint off of cars. Now I know what you're thinking, HALLS. NOT A CHANCE IN HELL! I hate HALLS with all of my being, but this stuff FAR surpasses the insanity of that tiny square.

Anyway~ Around 10:30 I was due for another dose before turning in for the night, or four hours...back to the poison...Just the thought of it ripped me through the very fabric of time to the dinner table and the sloppy pile of green on my plate. Growing colder by the second, and far nastier than it had originally been. Choking down one teaspoon full made me physically sick.

From here I can shorten the story a bit (I've already rambled on far too much), but the medication didn't work....not until paired once again with a breathing treatment from the nebulizer machine at about 12:30. Four hours of sleeping upright, (did I mention that I can't even lay down?) the coughing fits returned and I woke to pack Ricks lunch, re-dope (and subsequently become ill from the lovely 'Tussin)*side note, do not try to shove the medication spoon further back into your throat with the hopes of bypassing the taste buds on this one guys, the medication hitting your stomach in this fashion still causes severe retching, you just haven't given your stomach adequate warning.* I was able to partially delete the gagging flavors by chasing it with apple juice and a wonderful bowl of Simple Harvest Maple Brown Sugar with Pecan. (For all of you whose MHD was oatmeal as a child, try it. See if you can find a free sample online and give it a whirl. It comes in three flavors and it's not your mommas oatmeal! It's good!)

Next Blog: ER doctors that suck. (I've only met one).

Tis the season

So, just the other day I was feeling a bit worse for wear and decided that a trip to my salon for a trim would be perfect. Clean up the look just before the holiday celebrations begin. That said, I was waiting for my turn when who should appear, but the Jolly Old Elf himself, Santa Claus. Here he comes, rosy cheeks and all, sauntering into the mall salon. After a brief whisper to one of the stylist pros on duty, he leaves then quickly returns with a framed photo (I'm guessing it was for a point of reference). As the small blond leads him back to his seat, Lily is in shock. Awe, really standing perfectly still, jaw to her collar bone. Closely monitoring his every step, Lil then reaches her hand out, blindly for my knee, steadily tapping it, trying to show me what she sees without taking her eyes off even for a second. It was adorable. Turns out Santa just needed a couple curls for photo time (I'm sure the trip in was a bit windy that day, what with no roof on the sleigh). Some curling of the beard and hair (he told the stylist that it took him 9 years to achieve his look) and he was off. Quite the spectacle, even passers by were using their cell phone cameras to capture this moment through the glass walls of the salon. I never would have thought it, but I quickly pulled mine out and (with permission) snapped away. I love cell phone cameras, I have caught many moments that would have otherwise been lost. This in mind, Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

So, here come the holidays....I just had to tell you how it is around my house....

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I stopped to take a picture...

I couldn't resist. After dropping Maddie and Bree off at school this morning, I was greeted by the most unusual sign that I have personally experienced. Now, mind you...this is in an area where dogs and cats FREQUENTLY go missing so, a scrawled message and phone number posted is not out of the norm. I also want to stress that I applaud the level of compassion it takes to temporarily house such a creature with the hopes of finding it's owners....but it was just too funny at 8:30 this morning...before my coffee.....

I try to be a good friend...

I don't know what I've done in life to find myself down this road. I have done my best at making choices in friends and associates. Kept my distance when I felt out of place. I have even forgiven the mistakes of those whom hurt me the worst, even when I knew I shouldn't.

I find now, that I am learning what a true friend is. And that I don't have many. I try my hardest to be supportive, honest and a shoulder. I am in no way perfect, but I try...and once again it has gotten me hurt. Only this time, 20 years hangs in the balance. Some things are minor and petty~ I'll be the first to admit, to some, this is simply that. But when you have been there for EVERYTHING, forgiven EVERYTHING, NEVER ONCE be hateful or hurtful to someone...then just be replaced. Pushed aside...it's devastating. I had someone ask me a very honorable question on Friday...I said yes. I was honored...then today with no warning...thrown under the bus like an old gum wrapper.

At what point do we cut our losses and say goodbye? I don't know, I can't answer that, as you can see, I'm not good at doing that. I continue to stick around only to be abused again, and again. I told my husband tonight, "Sometimes it would be easier if I didn't love so much, if I didn't need my friends...but I do." I hate hurting like this. I haven't cried like this in a long time, and it sucks.

I guess 20 years of dedication means nothing anymore....

Not sure what this is all about.....

As of Tuesday, I am now 28. Yes, I am a woman and I just told my age. I do not believe that we should be ashamed of our age, or our wrinkles (don't have any yet but I'm sure they are right around the corner), or our grey hair (don't have that either). So many people are afraid to look "old". Personally I believe that having a bit of "age" to your appearance makes one look wise, experienced and appreciative. In our society, we are so wrapped up in eye cream, hair dye, nips, tucks and what ever else will erase our experience in the world. Why not embrace it and be proud that you have survived this long in reality!

So, here I sit at one o'clock in the morning. I have spent the last 4 hours or so cleaning. Cleaning out my desk from beneath the pile of TREES that had grown on top. I kid you not, there was a good 14 inches of paper stacked from one end to the other...then the overflow was on top of the filing cabinet. I guess it would have been too easy to actually file it IN the massive cabinet! Anyways~ not only did I need to get the area cleaned, for my own sanity, but I'm starting a bit of a new job. EBAY. Yes, the wonderful Ebay...selling the crap that I don't want, or bought on clearence, to people who desperately need it! Isn't the internet Wonderful!? I have started small, 3 auctions. I am learning as I go and trying to start slowly as to not get overwhelmed. But I am having fun with it just the same. Thanks to Jules, who is showing me the ropes! We are hell-bent on becoming professional "Scooner-to-EBAY" millionaires. Ok, maybe not millionaires, but paying a couple small bills every month around the house would be wonderful. And all in the comfort of my own home. I've already had people as me to sell their stuff for a cut of the profit! This could get exciting pretty quick. Let's pray it takes.

(Not that you really needed or cared to know any of this but it's all I've got right now and I am overdue to post....)